High On Bike

A Bellinghamster On Wheels

Butt Boils, Smoke Monsters, and Standing My Ground

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Pacific AvenueOne of the many things I love about being on my bike is the imaginative free-for-all that takes place in my brain. (Read my post about the Smoke Monster. See below.) But sometimes I have to give it a rest deal with a real threat. Instead of the Smoke Monster from “Lost” haunting me along the trails, it’s some dickweed with a long, stringy pony tail in an old, beat up, dark, mini-pick-up filled with what looks like the paraphernalia of a handy man. Evidently, he haunts Pacific Avenue because twice now this summer this jerk of all trades has for no apparent reason — other than he must really hate bicyclists — harassed me while I’ve been riding.

Pacific Avenue between Iowa and Alabama is a two-lane road that is wide enough to accommodate parked cars, cyclists, and moving cars. I ride far enough to the right to be as out of the way of motor traffic as I can but far enough away from the parked cars to avoid the risk of being “doored.” In other words, it’s right where a bike lane would be — if there were a bike lane. Visibility on this section of the street is excellent, allowing drivers to easily see a rider, particularly one wearing a bright orange vest. And they can safely pass without any trouble.

But this dumb ass in the pick-up, which by the way is probably worth less than my bike, apparently leads such a pathetic life that the sight of a cyclist on the same road fills him with a blinding rage. He sees no other way to assuDickweedage his anger than to follow behind a cyclist (me) honking his horn and then zooming past perilously close with his middle finger extended.

The Smoke Monster at least had an excuse to be crazy. Try being trapped on a weird-ass island for hundreds of years as its protector. You’re dead and all you want is to take over another body so you can just get off the friggin’ island. Anyway, I don’t know if dickweed expects me to ram myself into a parked car to get out of his way or if he thinks I’ll wither at his abuse and ride on the sidewalk. But my guess is that he’s just a bully and a miserable human being. Maybe some Fred ran off with his wife.

Dirty HarryI don’t take it personally. I’m sure he behaves as badly with other cyclists as he does with me. Although a part of me would like to whip out a .357 magnum and go all Dirty Harry on his ass, that’s just my imagination escaping its cage. Besides, I don’t think the Stand Your Ground rule would apply, shame though that is. Fortunately, he is an aberration in this town — a boil on the butt of a bike-friendly community where drivers who are considerate and accommodating outnumber guys like this by…a lot. So I just have to content myself with a little silent name-calling (I’m sure to respond verbally to him would just further aggravate his road rage) and continue to ride where I want.

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Author: d2

I ride because it's fun. It's also healthy, good for the environment, and my gas budget but if it wasn’t fun, none of that would matter. It's what gets me on my bike almost every day, even when I'm tired, not feeling my best, or just not in the mood. No other form of "exercise" has equaled it. I used to love to run but I was injury-prone and couldn't do it every day. I certainly couldn't jog down to the store and come home with dinner. Walking is okay but definitely falls around midpoint on the fun scale. I enjoy it, especially when I'm walking with a friend, but am not exhilarated by it. So I ride.

5 thoughts on “Butt Boils, Smoke Monsters, and Standing My Ground

  1. Laugh out loud funny, Dee Dee

    Sent from my iPhone

  2. Love the post! I can hear you saying all this. Wish the jerk could. Though maybe not.

    • I know what you mean. On the one hand I’d like him to know what a dumbass he is but on the other, he just might have a .357 Magnum in his glove box and might be willing to use it.

  3. Pingback: The Road ID App for iPhone: Be Still My Fredly Heart | High On Bike

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